It’s important that you know this post is written without any prejudice. Everything written here is factual. I’ve done decades of research on spiders and urge you to read this carefully. You may even want to print it out and post it in several locations in your home, school, office, car…everywhere you may ever find yourself.

Spiders are evil. You may think they serve a purpose like eating flies and other bugs and they do. But, deep down in their cold, black little spider hearts they’re evil. And I don’t mean the vaguely sweet Dr. Evil kind of evil. I’m talking Hitler invited to a Bar Mitzvah evil.


Some may even look innocent but all spiders are in gangs. They will take over a neighborhood, like your vegetable or flower garden and threaten you for being there. It doesn’t matter that it’s your garden. They don’t care. Spiders think, once they invade an area, all other life forms must go. They communicate their intent with a language of intricate gang signs.


This baby was copying the gang signs he’d seen spiders using while near his crib.

Spiders carry weapons. The weapons aren’t easy to see but they all carry chains, knives, and unregistered guns (spiders are not law-abiding). If you’re minding your own business just brushing your teeth, for example, spiders will suddenly appear on the mirror and tell you they’re going to cut you. Spit out the toothpaste and run for your life!


Assault knife found on spider.

They can also change their physical appearance and size. If you see a spider in the house it will be the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. The fangs will be approximately 24 inches in length and the most lethal poison known to man will be dripping from said fangs. Your first response will, naturally, be to scream for help. That’s when the spider will morph into a creature the size of the head of a pin and start doing something like knitting booties or reading to blind children. The person who rushes to your aid will then laugh at you for being afraid of the obviously tiny and kind-hearted insect.


This is the average size spider when not trying to disguise its true appearance.

If you see a spider and you are alone there are several steps you can take to defend yourself. Many people try hitting the spider with a shoe. Although this is sometimes effective (although you can’t stand 15 feet away and throw the shoe in the direction of the spider) there are consequences to this course of action. If you do manage to kill the spider with the shoe you must then wash the shoe. Then you must bleach the shoe. Then you must throw the shoe away.


Another method for dealing with a spider in your house is to fire at it with a shotgun. This method usually doesn’t work because the scatter pattern of the shot is usually too wide and spiders can’t be counted on to try to zig zag out of the line of fire. Most spiders will just stand right where they are and laugh (evilly) as the shot misses. Handguns can be more effective. I recommend something like a .50 caliber Desert Eagle.


You can also try quickly gathering your family and pets and rush them outside into your car. The car should be running so you can leave the area as quickly as possible. Before fleeing you must throw some kind of liquid accelerant – don’t use alcohol; you’ll want that to settle your nerves as you drive away – around the interior of the house without getting too close to the spider. Set some rolled up paper on fire or ignite a Zippo lighter and toss it inside.


This method usually does exterminate (with extreme prejudice) the spider but, before it dies it will usually send out a distress call to other spiders causing them to show up at your new residence. And they’ll want revenge.

In closing, spiders can never be completely eradicated. They’re everywhere. Spiders can be found inside and outside your home. They are in your car. They’re in the grocery store and everywhere you buy clothing and shoes. They are prolific breeders with the females laying up to one billion eggs every 18 minutes for up to twenty years. Basically, there is no escape. Drinking can help you forget that spiders are nearby but they’ll probably attack you when you pass out.

Oh. And they like to snack on human babies. Just sayin’.



Author: Elizabeth

I'm a wife, mom, and grandma (known as Bam) who loves cooking, baking, gardening, and all things that go into making a cozy coop for my brood. I have a disability so you may pick up tips on how to do things when some things just don't work right!

31 thoughts on “Spiders”

  1. Hahahha!!! A smidge of arachnidphobia, just maybe Beth?? I have a son with the same affliction, and I used to laugh regarding the size of said “monster” until I saw a Mom personally drop her children off to invade every corner of my home. Your procreation and size figure is exact, by the way! We have a plastic spider from Halloween several years ago, and that evil one makes the rounds scaring each one of us! Jack gets the most annoyed when it is his turn and one shows up in his hoodie or better yet, under his pillow!! Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha!
    Last year I saw something black behind the litterbox and thought one of the cats had missed, I touched it with the scoop it moved a little. It was the biggest spider I’d ever seen around here – the body was about the size of a nickel. Normally I’m not too bad with spiders, but I made my husband take care of that one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. One thing is true is that spiders are everywhere, inside and outside of my house. I don’t know how they got into the house. As far as outside, whenever I say a spider sag, I was reminded of “Charlotte’s Web” that every sack has 500 spiders. I sweep with my broom, poke with bamboo sticks, and squirt with water hose. Still, I may just got rid of what I see today, but they will come back again tomorrow!! I guess I could hire a terminator that use fire! Haha…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Many, many years ago I moved out of my apartment because there was an absolutely enormous spider living there. It was clear he had mayhem in mind. I threw shoes at him from atop the kitchen table but he was never even injured by them.
      One night I was sure I heard him on my phone calling in arachnid reinforcements. The next day I packed up and moved. The evil thing must have been a stowaway in a box because there he was, in the next apartment!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Too funny, and very cleverly done 😉

    When you wrote this: “Before fleeing you must throw some kind of liquid accelerant – don’t use alcohol; ” I fully expected you to follow with “A drunk spider is a dangerous spider “.

    Ann 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right. A drunk spider is far more dangerous than a sober one. There are no funny drunks in the spider world. They’re all the kind who shove you for no reason, throw your drink on you, and tell you to come to the parking lot. Where they eat you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You MUST listen to this!

        It’s Black Widow’s Tango, by a friend of mine, Joanna Finch. It’s on her album, Tease for Two, which I own and enjoy. The story of a spider thinking about and preparing for her dinner, which is YOU!

        This version is a vaudeville type video of the song. I listened to it lots before I actually saw this, creating my own very different word picture in my mind. I was looking for the sound version when I found this one. You might enjoy it 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That was fabulous! I think it’s only fair, given how many men want a snack after…mating…that the tables are turned! I love the video! It’s so perfect for the song! I pictured a cabaret in Paris during the occupation!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. This post should have a ‘love’ button. When I was a young girl I once smashed a hole in my wall throwing my toy piano that had a spider on it. I have a feeling we’d be good friends. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my gosh! I thought I was the only one who knew these things! I hate when there’s a spider in the shower. I usually try to grab the shower head and spray it as hard as I can until it goes down the drain. And once, there was one on the wall next to my bed. I swear I stood there with a paper towel in my hand for 30 minutes before I could summon the courage to smash it. When I did, it fell behind the bed, and I never saw it again. I hit it really hard, but it could still be alive. It could still be back there. The paranoia is all too real.

    Liked by 1 person

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